Below is a transcript of a story which originally appeared in Episode 5 of the satirical Disney News podcast, “Guest Room” on the Ears News Network (http://www.EarsNews.net). The conversation is between the host Parker Byrd, and the ENN Field Reporter Erin Dole.
PARKER: As part of the Hub expansion in the Magic Kingdom in the Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando, Disney has added 4 new towers, styled to look like extensions of Cinderella’s Castle. These free-standing towers arc off of each side of the castle and help frame the forecourt area.But new towers have brought the return of old rumors. For years Disney fan sites have thoroughly debunked the rumor that each of the towers in Cinderella’s castle secretly held a nuclear missile. But with the debut of the new towers, social media is buzzing with that rumor once again.
We sent our field reporter, Erin Dole out to the Magic Kingdom to see if the average guest thought the same thing. However, what she came back with may just be the scoop of the century. Erin joins us now to explain.
ERIN: Hey Parker
PARKER: Hi Erin….so I understand you had an eventful assignment in the park. Tell us what happened.
ERIN: It was eventful Parker…and I am still pretty excited about it. Anyway, like you said, I was there to see what guests thought about the rumor of there being nuclear missiles in the spires of the castle.
ERIN: Well, I was just getting ready to do my first set of interviews when I spotted a small group of men in high-ranking military uniforms closely examining one of the new towers that was just built.
PARKER: Right…the free standing towers outlining the forecourt.
ERIN: Exactly. So sensing a great opportunity…I non-chalantely and surreptitiously sauntered over to them..little by little, step by step….focusing my eyes for the slightest glimpse, straining my ears for the slightest whisper, sharpening my keen powers of …..
PARKER: Ahem…Erin…in the words of Joe Friday…just the facts ma’am.
ERIN: Right. Anyway, I marched right over to them and asked for an interview.
PARKER: Good for you.
ERIN: And it turns out that he was….oh…nevermind…lets just play the interview.
ERIN (from interview): Excuse me sir…General right?
GENERAL: Affirmative. Lt. General to be exact. Lt. Gen Max Power, commander of the United States Army Space and Missile..uh…pardon me….I’m with the Army.
ERIN: Excellent Sir…you are just the person to ask this question of. For many years people have speculated that there are nuclear missiles hidden in the spires of Cinderella’s castle. Is there any truth to that?
GENERAL: Well ma’am. Seems to me that has been dead and debunked for quite some time now.
ERIN: So it’s not true.
GENERAL: True? It’s absolutely absurd! Do you know the kind of thrust a nuclear missile makes when it launches? That combined thrust in all the towers directly connected to the castle would cause a destabilization of the main structure resulting in structural failure of key supports within the castle itself. Which would likely lead to collapse and unacceptable civilian collateral damage. No ma’am. If the US government were ever to hide nuclear missiles in a castle spire, it would have to be an individual free-standing tower…like these new ones…..uh…what I mean to say is that….uh…excuse me…the Secretary of Defense is calling me…..
ERIN (back in studio): So what do you make of that Parker?
PARKER: Well, it certainly seems suspect…..did you follow-up?
ERIN: I’m no rookie Parker. Of course. When I called the United States Army Space and Missile Defense Command and asked to speak to the commander, Lt. General Max Power, I was told that he recently retired and is on a well-deserved two-month long cruise.
PARKER: Interesting. Well thanks Erin for your report.
ERIN: You’re welcome Parker
PARKER: And get back to us if you find out anything more about Lt. General Power’s…uh…Towers.